*mentions of self harm
Well I've got some mock exams coming up this week, so this is going to be quite a short post really... It's been a tough week, so has been harder than ever to resist the urge to relapse into self-harm. I've been clean for just over a month thanks to a good friend who promised me that, if I stopped, then she would too. We've stuck together with it for a while, and neither of us have submitted to the urge (yet). The resistance I've put up against this is the strongest I've ever had to put against myself, so this is a completely new experience; I never quite knew why it was so difficult for people to quit addictions or bad habits, I figured they could just stop anytime they wanted. Oh how wrong I was. After much struggle (hiding my instruments from myself so I couldn't use them, then putting them back on my desk, then back into hiding etc.), I've ended up adopting the "fake it 'til you make it" approach. So I now instinctively battle it out with my brain by saying things like, "nope, everything's fine. She doesn't need to do anything, it's all perfectly fine, why would she need to do anything? See, nope, no motive at all." OUT LOUD. That's really how committed I have been, sarcastically sassing out my own brain. It's also an unfortunate side point that I must look slightly more mad than usual when I start talking to myself in third person...
I thought I had come to terms with the fact that I probably will relapse during exams, but apparently I haven't. Honestly, I hope I never do.
Well I've got some mock exams coming up this week, so this is going to be quite a short post really... It's been a tough week, so has been harder than ever to resist the urge to relapse into self-harm. I've been clean for just over a month thanks to a good friend who promised me that, if I stopped, then she would too. We've stuck together with it for a while, and neither of us have submitted to the urge (yet). The resistance I've put up against this is the strongest I've ever had to put against myself, so this is a completely new experience; I never quite knew why it was so difficult for people to quit addictions or bad habits, I figured they could just stop anytime they wanted. Oh how wrong I was. After much struggle (hiding my instruments from myself so I couldn't use them, then putting them back on my desk, then back into hiding etc.), I've ended up adopting the "fake it 'til you make it" approach. So I now instinctively battle it out with my brain by saying things like, "nope, everything's fine. She doesn't need to do anything, it's all perfectly fine, why would she need to do anything? See, nope, no motive at all." OUT LOUD. That's really how committed I have been, sarcastically sassing out my own brain. It's also an unfortunate side point that I must look slightly more mad than usual when I start talking to myself in third person...
I thought I had come to terms with the fact that I probably will relapse during exams, but apparently I haven't. Honestly, I hope I never do.
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