New Year, New Exams

*mentions of self harm


Well I've got some mock exams coming up this week, so this is going to be quite a short post really... It's been a tough week, so has been harder than ever to resist the urge to relapse into self-harm. I've been clean for just over a month thanks to a good friend who promised me that, if I stopped, then she would too. We've stuck together with it for a while, and neither of us have submitted to the urge (yet). The resistance I've put up against this is the strongest I've ever had to put against myself, so this is a completely new experience; I never quite knew why it was so difficult for people to quit addictions or bad habits, I figured they could just stop anytime they wanted. Oh how wrong I was. After much struggle (hiding my instruments from myself so I couldn't use them, then putting them back on my desk, then back into hiding etc.), I've ended up adopting the "fake it 'til you make it" approach. So I now instinctively battle it out with my brain by saying things like, "nope, everything's fine. She doesn't need to do anything, it's all perfectly fine, why would she need to do anything? See, nope, no motive at all." OUT LOUD. That's really how committed I have been, sarcastically sassing out my own brain. It's also an unfortunate side point that I must look slightly more mad than usual when I start talking to myself in third person...

I thought I had come to terms with the fact that I probably will relapse during exams, but apparently I haven't. Honestly, I hope I never do.

Stars

"Stars...you are the sentinels, silent and sure. Keeping watch in the night"
                                                    - Stars Les Misérables
24th May 2016 - a diary entry
I love night time. I really do. Not only is the silence the only real escape I can get from life, but the absence of light is just so comforting. The daylight makes me feel busy, like I'm procrastinating from more important things. But then, when it's dark outside, I can relax and know that this time of the day is my time for only me.

30th December 2016 - a text to a good friend
Okay so: I look up out of my bedroom window after 4 hours of comforting [another friend over text]. I don't see any stars. And I immediately begin willing them to show up and for my eyes to adjust to the darkness and show them up. But that never happened, I feel really disappointed and I don't think I'll be able to sleep without them. They're my source of hope. They're exploding balls of gas, but they create and everlasting, beautiful legacy that helps people find their way.

Today - 14th January 2017 - a blog post draft
Looks like I see stars quite differently now. Previously, only 7 months beforehand, I had seen stars as a reason for relaxation and a beautiful accompaniment to the darkness of the sky. As a time for me to just stop and take it all in. More recently, however, as I've become more and more dependent on the little hope and motivation I have left, I see stars as a hope for the future. They're exploding, they should be dead and gone, but instead they become beautiful lights in the sky amongst all that darkness. Even after the initial explosion (once there is little fuel left to continue burning), the stars become smaller until they expand and become red giants (then white giants, black giants). Even the really massive stars, their core turns into iron when they run out of fuel, which makes it collapse and explode into a supernova. These balls of gas explode in on themselves, then continue to burn until they can't any longer, then they become even more beautiful. I like to think that people can be like that :))

"Stars, they got nothing on us" 
                                                    - Light The Sky Grace Vanderwaal

Hi again

Hello,
I realise I've not posted on this in a while, but it's been quite a tricky year (or two). My anxiety is going through the roof a bit, and I haven't yet found quite the right way to handle it. Although, I've not had a panic attack for ages, so I am very pleased with that outcome, if any. I've started keeping a diary as well, but only when I feel like I have an overflow of emotions (for anyone who is thinking of starting a journal, this is the one I use: http://knockknockstuff.com/product/my-dysfunctions-guided-journal/ ). This prevents that pressure of writing everyday that you get from homework or the forced emotions you can get from being social (which is especially helpful for introverts like myself). Hope to post more soon.

So... 2016 happened?

2016 was a busy year, as political and social hope for the future went down the drain very quickly. However, for me personally, 2016 has actually been the best year I have ever experienced. I made friends who are really there for me and are really lovely to be around, I've done well academically (I've just started GCSEs... ugh), and now have quite a healthy relationship with my eldest brother. Honestly, whenever I think about this year and what I've accomplished, I feel approval from myself and my conscience. Considering the degree to which I crave approval from others, this was actually really nice! Well, I hope to be posting on here slightly more regularly than 2 years. But considering the massive workload I've now undertaken with GCSEs, it will be difficult. I'll try, and that's what really matters in the end. PERSERVERANCE IS KEY.